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It’s been a few months since I’ve seen Stan, and after the verbal flogging I gave him the last time I was happy to get his call and fit him in for a lesson. My hope is that he’s been practicing more, both the long game and the short game, and that he has been paying attention to the things we went over in our last session. This is just a hope, mind you, and as he descends the stairs to the range the sight of him causes me to twinge just a bit.
Wayne: So, Stan, how’s it going? Say, what have you got there? Looks like some interesting stuff.
Stan: Yeah, pretty cool, huh? So, how are you doing? I saw you missed the cut at the CPC. What happened?
Wayne: Ah, I just played poorly. I hit 9 greens and had 36 putts in the first round. That adds up to 81. I came back with a 72 but I had no chance to make the cut. It happens. You can make up for bad striking with good pitching and putting, and vice versa, but you can’t hit it bad and putt bad as well. If you do, you just flat out play like crap. I played better, at least putted and scored better, in a few tournaments since then, but I still need to hit it better. I’m working on it.
Stan: You know, I listen to someone as good as you talk about how bad you play and how hard it is to get it together for tournaments and I wonder about how much of a chance I have to play well. I mean, if the game eludes you, how am I ever going to find it? Your swing seems awesome to me. How can you hit it so poorly?
Wayne: Stan, it’s all about your perspective. As a mid to high handicap player you see my game as light years ahead of yours. If you ever attained my level, you would think you had “gotten it”. The thing about it is, though, is that there are levels above my own that you can hardly conceive of, but that I aspire to. When I say I’m hitting it horribly I’m comparing myself to the best of the best. If you hit the same way you might consider it your best ever. It’s always wise to be careful who’s around when you’re complaining. My expectations are exponentially higher than yours, but they’re only a small step up from what I usually do. Golfers generally need to realize that to expect huge advances in any part of their game is unrealistic. You get better in baby steps, sometimes so small that you don’t even notice.
Stan: That’s easy for you to say, but for someone as bad as I am how can I not aspire to way greater heights?
Wayne: You can aspire to play the Tour if you want to, but to be realistic you might start with shaving a stroke or two off your handicap. Think of it as setting off to climb a mountain. It’s a huge peak, and you’re a barely experienced climber. There’s a quick way that’s steep and fraught with danger, and there’s a long way around that inches ever upward but takes 10 times as long. It might seem more exciting to boldly try the steep ascent, but chances are you are going to kill yourself in the process. In golf, people who attack the game with abandon and expect to excel in a short period of time end up highly frustrated and simply quit. Those who choose the long way around many times find that even though the path is not so steep there are plenty of challenges, and that the pace is more suitable to appreciating and enjoying the climb. And it is not uncommon to find that the summit you once sought as your end goal loses its importance; you can be content wherever you are on the mountain, always looking forward and upward, but not blind to the beauty that is around you.
Stan: Wow, that’s pretty philosophical. I heard something like that on Kung Fu one time. Did you ever see the episode where Grasshopper had to run through the obstacle course blindfolded?
Wayne: No, but listen, let’s not get off track here. The point is that you are going to stick with the game if you try to get better a little at a time, and that you should not expect much more. Now, what are all these interesting looking devices you’ve brought with you? Have you been watching The Golf Channel again? What did I tell you about that?
Stan: You said, “Be careful what you watch because it may tend to confuse you.”
Wayne: Yeah, and I also said to avoid the instruction and the infomercials. Not that all the instruction is bad, but that you have no way of knowing what pertains to you and what doesn’t, and without someone to filter it for you it can only end up being confusing and conflicting. And the same thing for the infomercials: you can’t possibly know which of the items for sale will help you, and which could actually ruin what little you already have.
Stan: Hey, take it easy.
Wayne: Sorry. But see? Look at all this stuff. You obviously haven’t been listening to me. Oh, no, don’t tell me you bought one of those things?
Stan: That’s the Kallassay Swing Magic. You should have seen all the people it helped. One guy went from a 25 to a 5 handicap in 6 weeks. I figured if that geek could do it I could too.
Wayne: And you actually believed that? They drag those testimonials off the street and get them to say whatever is on the script. Do you think there is any way to verify the statements they make, or to do a follow-up at a time in the future? Don’t bet on it. Here, let me make a swing with that. So what is it supposed to do, or help you to do?
Stan: I don’t know, something about swinging the club down on the correct inside path, and oh yeah, making a better shoulder turn.
Wayne: A better shoulder turn? Here, you take it and swing it back. Now, where’s your left shoulder? It’s way short of where it usually goes! (When the club is swung, the right hand separates from the left, allowing the swing to complete without the left arm moving past parallel to the ground). Now, swing it down. Oh, there you go. There’s a nice throwaway motion. That should help you a lot, especially if you throw it from the inside. The ground is going to start looking like it’s in the way of the club hitting the ball. Not quite how I’ve tried to teach you to strike down on it.
Stan: O.K. So it’s not the greatest invention for my game. That doesn’t mean it won’t help anyone, does it?
Wayne: Look, I’ve been playing and teaching for 35 years, and while I don’t know everything I think I can pick up something and tell if it does anything that relates to what a good swing would do. I have never been able to figure out what this thing does. And yet they sell over 200,000 of them for $130 and pocket 25 million. So, what do I know? I think I’m pretty normal when it comes to teaching golf, which makes what I just stated insane. But let me ask you this: when was the last time you saw one on a range? And did you see that the last time they bothered with trying to sell them they were going for $39.99? What does that tell you? If the thing were any good it would be good forever. Things that disappear like the Swing Magic are impulse buys and offer no lasting benefit.
Stan: Well, how about this gizmo? I think it’s called the Inside Approach. They had Jack Nicklaus endorsing it. How much more credibility can you get? I figure if it’s good enough for him like it how can I go wrong?
Wayne: Stan, if Jack Nicklaus hit a million golf balls under that thing do you think he would ever hit it?
Stan: Now that you mention it, probably not.
Wayne: So, is it helping him?
Stan: No, but he’s saying that it would help anyone who tends to come into impact from too far from the outside.
Wayne: Do you think you fall into that category?
Stan: You always tell me I come too far from the inside.
Wayne: And yet, it’s called The Inside Approach, and you bought it. You come from too far inside, and it’s designed to make you come from the inside. Do you see a problem with that?
Stan: Yeah, so, what are you saying?
Wayne: I’m saying that when you watch TV late at night your brain must turn off. That gizmo might help someone who shifts the club out and saws across the ball, but that is certainly not you. You should ask me before you spend your money on these things. And as far as Jack Nicklaus goes, he probably got a hundred grand for an hour or two on a range walking distance from his house, not to mention a piece of the profits.
Stan: So you’re probably going to tell me that my Hammer Driver, my Perfect Club, my Momentus Swing Trainer, my Swing Jacket, and my Butch Harmon gloves, goggles, shafts, grips, and Balance Bracelet were probably not wise purchases either.
Wayne: Look, Stan, I’m not going to sit here and call you an idiot and tell you that none of this stuff will help you at all. I use the Momentus weighted club as part of my daily work out, but it doesn’t make me swing more on plane. It’s just a well made heavy club that can be used effectively a number of ways. As for that driver, and all other clubs made by someone you’ve never heard of, do you really think that a former football player is going to design a driver that outperforms clubs researched, designed, and manufactured by billion-dollar companies like TaylorMade and Titleist? Most of the other things you mentioned are good for a few specific problems that some people might have, but everyone seems to buy the things based on the ridiculous claims the sellers make as to how it will make you improve quickly and easily. Forget it. It never happens that way. And the people you see hysterically touting the item are nowhere to be found a week later.
Stan: You know, I watch every infomercial that airs, and I know I saw you in one of them. How do you justify that with what you’re telling me?
Wayne: It’s true, I spent a day in Naples with the guys who invented the Plane Stick, and I got paid a small amount to endorse it in their infomercial. I used it before I endorsed it, and I consider it one of the few items sold on TV that would be beneficial to everyone who tried it.
Stan: I thought the thing was too complicated.
Wayne: That’s because you actually had to think about where you were putting it before you used it. Thinking and swing gizmos don’t seem to coexist very well. The guy who invented it had a nice idea and took a bath because the thing wasn’t sexy enough. It worked, but it didn’t do everything for you. Go figure how something with as much merit as the Plane Stick goes nowhere while something as stupid as the Swing Magic makes the guy, who incidentally invented ankle braces before his golf epiphany, fabulously wealthy.
Stan: So, you are saying that I shouldn’t buy any of these things, except the ones that you like.
Wayne: No, no, no. I’m saying that you should buy these things based on specific need, not on the hope that there will be a global benefit to your sorry game. The only way for you to know if an item will help you is if you ask someone who knows the game and has no stake in the sale. You would be far better off spending your cash on a few more lessons, and your wife would appreciate you not filling the garage with useless training aids.
Stan: Yeah, she keeps bugging me to get that big plastic circle out of the back yard.
Wayne: Oh, man, don’t tell me you have a SAM 2000.
Stan: Is that what that thing was called? I’ve had it for years. We put Christmas lights on it every winter. Everyone who ever comes over asks about it. It seemed like a great idea, but it felt kind of weird whenever I tried to swing in it.
Wayne: That’s not surprising, since it doesn’t really work.
Stan: You mean the swing’s not one big circle?
Wayne: C’mon, Stan, don’t you remember our lesson on plane shifts? You remember: shaft plane, shoulder plane, turned shoulder plane, forearm plane?
Stan: Take it easy. I was just kidding. But it is a nice visual. It’s just too bad that the swing doesn’t work that way.
Wayne: I’m glad to hear you say that. The problem with most people is that they are searching for an easy way to do something incredibly hard. The vast majority of what seem to be easy fixes turn into detours that end up wasting the golfers’ time. The game is demanding, and it demands your time and patience. Everyone needs help, and that help is not going to come from some guy on the Golf Channel promising you he has the “secret”. It’s like the guys on the financial channels who recommend stock buys. If they really knew what they were doing they would be rich beyond imagination and the last place they’d be would be on TV telling you how to make money. If any of these golf salesmen had the secret they would be out playing for a living. But then again, that’s hard. It’s easier to get a bunch of desperate golfers to buy things that won’t, in the long run, help them achieve lasting improvement.
Stan: Well, I think you’ve cured me of my infomercial addiction. But now what do I watch after midnight?
Wayne: I have a 2-hour tape of Hogan hitting balls. I’ll make you a copy. It’ll do you more good than anything you could buy off the tube. It’s a perfect tape. I guarantee it.